Wednesday, November 29, 2006

It's MAILTIME! The POJO Mailbag...

I have gotten a boatload of interesting mail over the past couple of weeks, and it's time to share the wealth with a few of the best. Let's stop wasting time, and get on with it.
Dear POJO,

David Dellucci? THIS is the guy that's going to bring your Indians to the promised land. You have got to be kidding me. Next thing you know, they are going to sign Biff Pocaroba and Oddibe "Young Again" McDowell. How can you think this is a sign of good things to come for the Indians?--Steve, West Lafayette
Dear Steve--Why is Dellucci good for the Tribe? Are you serious? Imagine the potential when he comes up to bat. Close your eyes for a moment. Dellucci walks up to the plate...the crowd is silent...piping over the loudspeakers..."Delloooch...Dellooooch...will you do the fandango...thunderbolts and lightning...very, very! Now, the only thing we need to do is sign Franz Galileo to platoon with Dellucci...
I have to admit, the thought of having a Delloooch/Galileo platoon would be outstanding. Imagine the potential during rain delays, or the Fourth of July. Cleveland could hire Queen as, I don't know, the house band. Have Delooch and Galileo grow their hair out a bit. Set them out by the Feller statue before games with a bucket. My bet? The Queen/Delloooch/Galileo combination would surely raise enough money by year's end to sign a player that can play every day. Now, if only there were a player actually named Galileo.
Dear POJO,

What a freakin' OSU homer you are. You and I both know that the only reason that OSU won the game against Michigan was because of the bogus helmet to helmet hit on Troy Smith. You really don't think Smith got hit with a 15 yard helmet to helmet do you? Pray to your devil, or whatever it is that OSU has made a deal with, that Michigan doesn't get a second chance. If we do, on an actual field (you OSU homers know that Michigan wins easy on a field with good turf), Michigan wins going away. BeauKnowsFootball--Ann Arbor, Mich
Dear BeauKnowsFootball--I just wanted to let you know that I get it. I do want to give you some other ways that Michigan would have won the game. 1. Had Michigan scored more points. It is the general consensus that when you DO score more points than the other team, you win. Michigan scored 39, which wasn't quite enough. Even chicks that say the score, Michigan 39, OSU 42, it still doesn't change the fact OSU scored more points. 2. Play on a separate field as the other team when the field sucks. If this could have happened, IE, Michigan play at, say, Ann Arbor, while OSU was still at the 'Shoe, Michigan would have had much better footing, whereas Ohio State would have been slipping and sliding around on the crud turf. As it stands, BOTH teams had to play on the same field, unfortunate for Michigan. 3. Had Troy Smith not worn a helmet. THEN, your statement would have been true. Hit would have been a helmet to head hit, and more than likely would have severely injured Smith, which is ultimately would have won the game for Michigan. No penalty, and Smith not playing. I hope this helps you Beau. I always like to show you the reality of the situation. REALITY! Get some. And by the way, who the hell is Beau anyways?
I seriously never thought I'd say this, but ROSE BOWL...bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Enjoy the parade.
Dear POJO,

Ohio State is the most overrated football team, maybe of all time. Talk about an East Coast bias. If last year's USC team would play THIS year's Ohio State team, it would be a blowout! Matt Leinart would knock up OSU's secondary for 300 yards, and Reggie Bush would make a day of it, taking it to the house 3 or 4 times against the crap defense. What do you have to say about that?OJ Trojan--Southern California
Dear OJ--USC was fantastic last year, so I decided to run a few computer simulations on the potential game. I used the ever popular NCAA 2007 Hood edition. All simulations ran basically the same. USC was fairly dominant, as they were last year. The only difference that I can see as the simulation is being run is that Reggie Bush has "I Got Bush" on the back of his jersey instead of Bush, and Leinart plays with his pants down to his knees, and Paris Hilton running after him. OSU does the same, only this time, beats Texas when Vince Young declares for the CFL after week 1. Good news, he's currently leading the Hamilton Ti-Cats to the vaunted Grey Cup. He has 2,897 yards rushing, and 7,012 yards passing in week 4 (Hood Edition uses Techmo-Bowl for inter-game simulations). OSU then beats Penn State when Joe Paterno, now playing wideout for the Nittany Lions, blows out both of his knees in the huddle. He continues to play, and falls short, at the 1 yard line, down by six, with the gun sounding on the fourth quarter, when his bionic implants give out. OSU then bitchslaps Michigan by 30. The great aspect of 'Hood Editon,' is that it simulates the potential off-field incidents as well. And, unfortunately, the simulation at this point agrees with your assessment almost to the word...OJ. Leinart does some knocking up, only this time, it's Brady Quinn's sister. Leinart is knocked out of the game on their first offensive play of the game when AJ Hawk literally takes his head off on a weak side blitz. John Wilkes Harvey David Booty enters the game, and actually plays well, throwing off the Buckeye D when the USC line starts rapping to rumpshaker, while Booty, shaking his ass, has the game of his life...throwing for 398 yards and 5 interceptions. We also find out that Bush HAS been taking it to the know...the house his boosters paid for. He's declared ineligible for the game, but shows up with some bad ass bling. You see, the Hamilton Ti-Cats have signed him to a new deal to line up with Vince Young (Bush's first game? 1,012 yards rushing and only 131 receiving to go along with Young's 912 yards passing going 31 for 31). The Ti-Cats just beat up on the Argonauts, 112-0. Anyways, OSU wins the game going away, but not without controversy. Maurice Clarett runs out on the field during the third quarter carrying a bat, a 9MM, a sniper's rifle and a cachet of grenades. As he's arrested and taken off the field, he's heard saying something about being a patsy. John David Booty noticably flinches.

So you see OJ, you have to be realistic here. OSU is MUCH better than last year's USC Trojans.

...and sorry to hear about your tv show and your book, but good news! You can write your fantasy book on how USC would have won the national title THIS YEAR, and what you would have done to make it happen...
Once again, as always, thanks to the fans of the DOJO that sent the wonderful e-mails. To those few that I left out tonight, I apologize. But don't worry, I won't leave you out next week...


  1. Are there still idiot people out there who don't think that was a good call when Troy got the snot knocked out of him? I think Ohio State did less against Texas when it was called in Austin (which lead to the only points Texas scored). It's the right call and it gets called every time. I love how some Michigan fans turn a blind eye to the fantom pass interference call or the "tapping the punt snapper lightly" penalty.

  2. Here....I just created this so you can post it for your lovely Ann-Arbor-based readers!

  3. the punt snapper...that was hilarious...

    Jeff...I'll make sure to get that up today...